Becoming Aware of Conditioning
And Noticing the Presence that is Never Wounded
Processing the challenging experiences and conditioning of childhood can be so confusing because that’s where the foundations of reality were constructed. The things that happened at that time were considered “normal,” “just the way life is,” because we didn’t have any other frame of reference during those early years. It creates patterns that go on repeating themselves without awareness of them. It solidifies a sense of “this is reality.”
One of these patterns I’ve been living with since childhood is that “I am less than you.” There is this perpetual sense of comparison and self deprecation. It’s so habitual I’m rarely even aware of it happening. But it manifests as crippling self doubt, desperate approval seeking, self aggression, anger, resentment, depression and anxiety. Even after many years of self-work, it’s still often here, operating in the background, seemingly perceived as just “who I am” - “a person that is deficient.”
It seems so real that there is a “somebody” over there who is better than me, who is right, who has the answers, who has arrived, who knows, who is whole, who is perfect, who is good. I so easily get caught into this dream-state of believing I am less than this “other person,” that I should work harder to be “more like them.” It can be so incredibly discouraging to feel the weight of this pattern, the oppression, the aggression, to realize the suffering it’s causing in this body-mind.
But then there are occasional moments where grief emerges, where the pain of this pattern is finally felt, finally seen, finally welcomed. It feels like a release to grieve, to start to feel worthy of enough love that this pain underneath the conditioning, that has been repressed for so many years, can finally be acknowledged. Unacknowledged pain almost always seems like the culprit for perpetuating our conditioning. And somehow just giving space for the pain to be heard and seen, without judgement or expectation, allows it to soften.
This feels like a significant step in the healing process, when recognizing that this body-mind is actually worthy of love, that it doesn’t need to hold on to these painful patterns in order to be “good enough.” These patterns were a survival strategy, a way I gained a sense of perceived safety and acceptance in my environment.
Slowly there is a recognition of the Awareness that is here, that is able to meet this mental conditioning and habitual behavioral patterns. This Awareness doesn’t need to compare with others, it doesn’t need to self-deprecate, it doesn’t need to prove itself, it doesn’t need acceptance from others, it doesn’t need to be a certain way in order to be loved.
Believing myself to be a person, there is a constant struggle of seeking to be good enough, to be worthy, to be accepted, to arrive at a destination. But this whole process seems like a transformation from believing myself to be a “wounded separate person” to recognizing that Awareness is our true nature. The “other” that I’m so often believing is “better than me,” is actually just my own projection.
What is it that is Here perceiving this comparison pattern? What is This that notices the nervous tension and tightness in the body? What sees anxiety, fear, pain, grief? Are negative thoughts a constant experience? If not, what remains when pain comes and goes? What exists prior to the arising of feelings, thoughts and behaviors? Who is this “I” that has always been here, both in times of sorrow and joy?
The inquiry breaks down all identities, all concepts, all meanings, all desires, all attachments. It in essence dissolves the “wounded one,” the identity living in a pattern of conditioning. When this one is dissolved, there is a recognition of an effortless silence, stillness, peace.
Today may we recognize the immaculate Presence that is already Here, already Whole, already Perfect.
What touched me most is that this doesn’t try to escape the wound too quickly.
There’s a real honesty in recognizing how deeply conditioning can become indistinguishable from identity, how “this is just who I am” can quietly form around pain that was never fully seen.
“The other that I’m so often believing is ‘better than me,’ is actually just my own projection” stayed with me for a long time.
Wow I relate so deeply with the sense of inadequacy being a strong framework of self. Even when I witness myself being self aggressive, there is this stubborn clinging to that pattern, almost protectively, although I also feel the part of me that wants to break it.