Calm Spaciousness

An Experience of Transforming Misery to Joy

Apr 15, 2026

One of my core wounds is that there isn’t enough space or time for me to be.

My childhood experiences with my family and at school always felt rushed, loud, busy, hectic and stressful. There was never a sense of calm spaciousness. I became conditioned to live that way, constantly rushing, always busy, never a moment of stillness, no capacity to actually savor life. I thought it was necessary to live that way, that it’s just a fact of how life is.

It’s taken many years of experiencing depression, anxiety and chronic pain to learn how to slow down and be present. And it’s still something I often struggle with.

As I was sitting feeling utterly miserable tonight, contemplating why I find it so difficult to experience happiness in this life, a thought occurred to me, “what I really love is going slow and savoring life.”

That very idea felt like it connected me to something deeper within myself, to a childlike joy that is often buried under all of the conditioned chronic anxiety I live with.

I thought to myself, “what would feel nourishing, calm and spacious tonight?”

The first idea that came to mind was to heat up a frozen pizza. But to really take my time doing it. Not to rush through the motions like I normally do. And to my surprise, the whole process became joyful. It was my first time using a second-hand toaster oven I recently got. So I approached the oven with childlike innocence, enjoying figuring out the settings on the digital control panel, as if it was the first time I had ever used a toaster oven.

Eventually sitting down to eat the pizza at an outside table, I found such delight in really going slow and being mindful with each bite. Often I can tend to rush through eating, it can feel like a chore I need to accomplish rather than a gift of life. But to give myself permission to slow down felt like such an incredible delight. I loved the ease of not needing to cook tonight, of allowing myself to have something simple and easy, to not hold some high expectations for what I should be eating. I kept finding so much joy in really savoring my time eating, not feeling any pressure to get to some future moment.

Eventually sitting with the plate empty, digesting, I started becoming more aware of the environment. I noticed the pleasantly cool ocean air gently blowing in from the coast. The beautiful songs of the birds came to my attention. I was smiling. I was actually enjoying the moment. The day had been filled with so much physical discomfort, despair and anger and to my great surprise, here I was delighted by life.

“How else would I like to enjoy this evening,“ I thought to myself with a smile.

“Oh I’d love to create a cozy environment and write about this process.”

I started a fire in the outdoor fire place, lit some candles and incense and brought out my laptop. Yet I decided to really take my time with each action, to savor all of it. No pushing, no rushing, no moving fast, really going slow to intentionally experience the joy of being. Feeling the sensation of the wood matches in my hands, delighting in the sound of them igniting, indulging in the fragrance of the incense and the flickering flames of the candles.

I was giving myself the gift of calm spaciousness that I loved so dearly. It felt so nourishing, so cozy. The Danish word “Hygge” came to mind, which in my understanding means creating a cozy, relaxing environment to take delight in the simple pleasures of life. I’ve always loved all things “cozy,” it feels safe, supportive, nurturing.

And then on to writing. Oh how I love writing. It’s such a joy to give myself permission to take pleasure in the act of collecting my thoughts and arranging them into words. Writing during my years at school often felt so forced, like I was rushing to get the words out, stressed to finish on time, struggling to achieve some meaningful or perfect outcome. How lovely to give myself lots of space to craft the words that feel right, to not put any pressure on myself to please anyone with my writing or to try to be profound.

My primary passion this past decade has been to discover spiritual enlightenment. I have pushed, strived, studied, practiced, struggled, surrendered and attempted everything within my understanding to accomplish this goal and none of it has brought me the joy equivalent to simple moments like this evening. My writing here on Substack has been oriented towards spiritual awakening. Yet writing these words tonight has been far more joyful than anything “spiritual” I’ve written about.

Tonight there would be no spiritual contemplations, no striving to become “enlightened,” no ideas of what any of this means, just enjoying taking my time delighting in the simple pleasures of existence - the warmth of the fire, the dancing glow of the candles, the relaxed breathing, the quiet smile of being and the satisfaction of putting these experiences into words. What a gift! Perhaps this quality of being may in fact be the spiritual outcome I’ve been searching for all along.

The misery I was feeling all day had transformed into joy. Connecting to my heart and that natural effortless love for calm spaciousness seemed to somehow draw me towards a different way of being.

Tonight I feel grateful that life brought this happening into existence. Thank you for taking the time to enjoy this with me.