Enjoying Being Here
And the loss of searching for happiness "out there"
Remembering
When I was a child, my family was fortunate to have enough money to take vacations once or twice a year by plane. But I remember never really enjoying them because there was always so much stress around going to these different destinations. There was the hurrying and rushing to get to the plane on time, there was the busyness of the airports and then being in foreign environments that always caused me some anxiety. The vacations were often full of activities. But all I really wanted to do was be in a relaxing peaceful environment.
I remember innocently asking my parents why we couldn’t just enjoy staying home. Yet I now understand that for my parents, vacations were their way to escape the stress of their normal lives. They imagined that going to a distant destination would give them relief, relaxation and bring them happiness - as most of us are often conditioned to believe.
Eventually I adopted the same beliefs, becoming a travel enthusiast, passionate to learn about and discover new places in the world. I believed that there was something “out there” that would fulfill me, that would enlighten me, that would make me whole, that would bring me happiness. I couldn’t get enough of it, I always wanted to see and experience more places. I traveled by plane at least once a year until I started to go through a period of breakdown.
Slowing Down
Despite the travel to many countries and living abroad for a time, I was far from fulfilled. In fact, quite the opposite, I became depressed when I eventually slowed down. All of my searching and seeking left me hollow and empty, there was a great big void. The passion to get “high” off a novel new place to visit or unique cultural experience had faded. All the feelings I had been avoiding and running from, without even really realizing that they were there under the surface, started creeping up out of the shadows.
The more I slowed down, the more painful it got. It was like life was forcing me to see and feel all the things I didn’t want to experience: fear, anxiety, panic, anger, rage, hatred, despair, grief, loneliness, heartbreak, confusion, disorientation, physical discomfort and pain, etc. And this process has been going on for years now.
It’s been incredibly brutal to experience this forsaken shadow side of myself. I never knew it was possible to experience so much “darkness,” emotional intensity and pain. In many ways, it feels like many aspects of myself have been killed during this process; it’s felt very destructive, which my mind has interpreted as “a terrible travesty.” My passion for travel has mostly gone. I haven’t been on a plane for over a decade now and even the thought of flying seems overwhelming. I’ve become so incredibly sensitive through this process, I’ve had to become a hermit in order to learn how to honor my nervous system.
Enjoying Being Here
But to my great surprise, after having been knocked down to such a “low” level, being brought to my knees again and again, there is an intimacy that starts to emerge. The purging and emptying out of so many layers of identity that has happened through this process has created a capacity to actually enjoy being here now.
After a life full of constant activity, chronic busyness, a mind that is always obsessively thinking, constantly imagining happiness is found in some other place, there are now moments of profound stillness. And it’s the most beautiful thing imaginable. There is a recognition of this inherent Presence that exists without effort, without intention, without struggle, without belief. This Presence itself is Joy. And it is glorious to behold.
A natural Love emerges for the world when this Beingness is recognized. In these moments, there is no longer a fixation on the personal identity, there is a falling away of the habitual need to hold on so tightly to life, to be hyper-vigilant about protecting myself, to make sure that I’m “good enough” or will be “okay” in the next moment. There is simply a Love for This, Here, Now. No agendas, no judgements, no concepts of what “should be,” just enjoying This.
What a gift to remember the Presence that is already Whole exactly as it is. I don’t need to travel anywhere to find this Presence, it is already Here and has always been Here. Today may we recognize and enjoy the Peace of our own Being.
Sometimes we spend years searching for something that will finally make us feel whole, without realizing that the movement itself was carrying us away from what was already here. I felt deeply this slow falling into a simpler, less constructed presence, where even silence no longer feels empty. There is something very quiet and true in this piece.