Facing Our Inner Demons

Their fierceness teaches us presence.
Their intensity forces us to be still.
Their destructive qualities help us surrender attachments.
Their fire burns away our illusions.

When we fully meet our inner demons, without resistance, we find ourselves.

~~~

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with fear - fear of death, fear of physical pain, fear of abandonment, fear of ridicule, fear of the supernatural forces, fear of other people, fear of overwhelming emotions and the list goes on.

It’s taken me many years of self work to even be aware of these fears, as so many of them were repressed for such a long time, and it’s taken even longer to find the courage to actually face them.

I have yet to find any secret formula or 5 step process for how to face fears. I still struggle with it on most days. I still have many unhealthy coping patterns, avoidance tendencies and repressing behaviors. There are many days where I’m an anxious neurotic mess.

I often feel quite humiliated by how much fear controls my life.

This is not a “success story” post of how I overcame my fears and am living my dream life.

This is me using writing as a way to acknowledge my struggle with fear and process how incredibly uncomfortable it can be to face my inner demons - those thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences that I have yet to embrace with love.

~~~

Though what I continue to discover is that there is something very profound about facing our inner demons - it breaks down our ego. We don’t really need to know some special technique for how to do this, we just have to find the willingness within ourselves to open our hearts to whatever life is bringing our way.

When I see the painting above from Nicholas Roerich (Dorje the Daring One, 1925), it speaks to me about how facing our demons requires immense stillness and an absence of personal attachment.

In my experience, willpower has not worked for overcoming my struggles with fear. Surrender seems like the only path that I know for how to face fear. The intensity of the fear forces me to let go of my ideas of what I think I know, what I imagine life is about, what I think “should” be happening and become open to a new point of view.

This process of surrender can teach us about who we are. When we let go of our resistance to our inner demons, when we stop making them the enemy, we realize that they are not separate from us. We begin to understand that they can be our greatest teachers - if we can learn to listen with our hearts.

What my “fears” have been teaching me lately is to see clearly that all of this suffering I’ve been struggling with, years of depression, anxiety, chronic pain, etc. is solely a result of my mental projections. The ultimate projection of suffering is the belief in separation, that there is a “world out there” separate from a “me in here.”

Without projections, without indulging all the stories of the mind, there is inner silence, a serene stillness. Without looking to thought to define reality, it is seen that nothing is really here, nothing is happening, everything is empty, presence alone exists. And this realization brings enormous peace and joy.

~~~

I’ll conclude with a beautiful quote from David Carson & Jamie Sams in their description of what the Deer/Fawn represents in their Animal Medicine Card deck.

This card was drawn for me some years ago during a reading and it spoke deeply to me about the value of gentleness when facing our inner demons.

One day Fawn heard Great Spirit calling to her from the top of Sacred Mountain. Fawn immediately started up the trail. She did not know that a horrible demon guarded the way to Great Spirit's lodge. The demon was trying to keep all the beings of creation from connecting with Great Spirit. He wanted all of Great Spirit's creatures to feel that Great Spirit did not want to be disturbed. This would make the demon fell powerful, and capable of causing them to fear him.

Fawn was not at all frightened when she came upon the demon. This was curious, as the demon was the archetype of all the ugly monsters that have ever been. The demon breathed fire and smoke and made disgusting sounds to frighten Fawn. Any normal creature would have fled or died on the spot from fright.

Fawn, however, said gently to the demon, "Please let me pass. I am on the way to see Great Spirit."

Fawn's eyes were filled with love and compassion for this oversized bully of a demon. The demon was astounded by Fawn's lack of fear. No matter how he tried, he could not frighten Fawn, because her love had penetrated his hardened, ugly heart.

Much to demon's dismay, his rock-hard heart began to melt, and his body shrank to the size of a walnut. Fawn's persistent love and gentleness had caused the melt-down of the demon.

Due to this gentleness and caring that Fawn embodied, the pathway is now clear for all of Great Spirit's children to reach Sacred Mountain without having to feel the demons of fear blocking their way.

Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are trying to keep us from Sacred Mountain. Like the dappling Fawn's coat, both the light and dark may be loved to create gentleness and safety for those who are seeking peace.