Meeting Pain with Presence

Reflecting on my unconscious social patterns

Last night in a dream, I was camping in a forest and there were a number of animals around me that I was taking care of. Someone suddenly showed up with a box full of puppies and I started to feel overwhelmed with all of these animals that I felt responsible for looking after.

When I woke up, I realized I do this same thing with thought-forms; I often take on the burden and responsibility of beliefs, ideas and concepts that appear in my perception without consciously realizing I’m doing it.

There is this social pattern I seem to have where people often start telling me about their problems. Random people, they will just start opening up to me about difficult things they are going through. And I often end up listening and empathizing. But it’s taken me years to realize this is actually just my own trauma response, this unconscious pattern of holding space for other people.

I remember as a child my mother would often self-disclose and confide to me about her struggles as well as often complain to me about challenges she was experiencing. I was never really allowed to say “no” to her, so I ended up believing it was my responsibility to listen to and comfort her. A classic example of the child becoming the parent to the parent.

When I see this past situation clearly now, I realize how messed up it is. But this is the human trauma cycle, when people don’t know how to be present with their pain, they may end up finding someone else to depend upon, often someone in a vulnerable position that doesn’t know how to say “no.” And this pattern just keeps getting passed on till someone is ready to heal it.

While reflecting on this pattern this morning, I realize that “belief” is the culprit. If someone comes along and says, “Oh this is so terrible what happened to me, let me tell you about it.” I don’t have to believe the thoughts that they share with me, I don’t actually have to do anything about it. I don’t have to believe my own conditioned thoughts that say, “They are suffering, they need my help, I need to do something about what they are sharing.” The trauma response is to immediately believe whatever thoughts appear, whether it be my own thoughts or the thoughts someone else shares with me.

This isn’t about denying their story of pain or my own. Instead it’s looking deeper at what precedes all stories - Presence. What pain needs most of all is the Truth of our own Presence, not belief or habitual empathizing.

The gift of this painful pattern I’ve been living with all these years it is that it teaches me to really slow down and consciously observe thoughts clearly. When I believe thoughts, I suffer; when I simply observe them, I experience joy. Abiding in the Present Moment, it’s seen that no thoughts about reality are true, no thoughts can ever touch or define This.

Presence is our true nature. Who we are transcends all ideas, concepts and beliefs. When I remember this, I can then meet people’s pain, as well as my own, without feeling that heavy burden of responsibility of needing to “do something about it,” because Freedom is already here. Presence is perfectly Whole as it is, free of all problems, even if thoughts temporarily appear that say that it’s not.

Isn’t the Truth beautiful!?