Relationships Are a Mirror

A reflection on my innocent misunderstandings

Our relationship dynamics are a mirror of our beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world.

As a child, I believed, first and foremost, that I was the body. From there, due to certain family dynamics, I believed that this body wasn’t worthy of love and that in order to be in relationship with other people that I needed to constantly suppress myself and give all of my attention, love and care to the other. If I did that, then I would be worthy of love.

It’s amazing to start to see more clearly how this pattern played out in my romantic relationships, as well as friendships. Constantly giving and giving, always focused on what my partner wanted, making sure to keep my own needs and desires and feelings hidden in the background while prioritizing the wellbeing of the other.

I never knew what it was like to see myself, this body, as worthy of love. The conditioning of self-hatred was so incredibly strong and hidden from my awareness that I wasn’t even conscious of what I was doing. I was a robot, just following my programing, doing what I thought I “should” do in order to try to earn the love I felt so deeply deprived of.

I would obsess about women, desperately wanting them to love me, to give me attention and affection because I didn’t think it was possible to give that level of care to myself.

Innocently believing a romantic partner was necessary for love, it leaded me to treat women like objects that I needed to persuade to want to be with me. Women were just a means to an end of experiencing love. Of course I was oblivious to how unhealthy this pattern was, I was operating from my unconscious conditioning.

It’s embarrassing and disorienting to see these patterns of conditioning more clearly and have them begin to break down. It seemed so real that women were the key to me experiencing love, that they were the essential ingredient to happiness. But what a beautiful novelty to realize it’s not true; to see that these thoughts of self-hatred aren’t actual reality and that this body is indeed worthy of love, affection, attention and nurturing care.

How insightful to realize love isn’t something I need to struggle to earn.

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I’ve spent many years of my life self-isolating due to the stressfulness of these beliefs. To believe that I need someone else in order to experience love puts me in a position of desperation, attachment and projection - it’s a life of suffering.

Realizing that the world is a mirror of my beliefs, it teaches me to see more clearly the unconscious thoughts that have been guiding my painful relationship patterns.

Slowly I return to myself, that inherent presence that perceives all reality, that transcends the body, the personality, the conditioning, the story of past and future, the desires and feelings that come and go. This awareness loves without condition, it delights in the mirror of relationships because it knows that love is the only reality that exists. From this foundation of love, relationships no longer become a means to obtain something “outside of myself” but rather an experience of rejoicing in the mystery and beauty of a life that is undivided.