Sitting with Fear
A Short Contemplation
“So before knowing what something is, if that is possible, we must first come to the understanding that we do not know what anything really is.” - Rupert Spira
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What is this intense fear I feel so often? What is it really?
There is a tightness, a contraction, an intense pressure in the body.
There are worrying thoughts about what choices I should make and how I will survive.
There are scenarios of painful futures imagined in the mind.
The breath, restricted, inhales and exhales.
A roaster crows in the distance.
Sounds of birds chirping outside the window.
Stomach growling.
Who am I?
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The longer I sit with the question, the quieter I become.
Though is it actually “me” who becomes quiet or is it just a fading away of all the noisy thoughts that I thought were “me?”
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Is this body actually “mine?”
Does this fear belong to “me?”
Who is it that’s breathing?
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If it weren't for this intense fear, I probably never would have looked this deeply into who I am and investigated the nature of reality.
In this sense, fear is a guide to deeper self knowledge.
The animosity towards fear softens.
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The longer I sit in contemplation and meditation, the more that I lose “my” life.
All the things I thought were mine - possessions, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, sensations, the body - are seen to be ownerless. Ownership only exists as a temporary thought in the mind.
Fear begins to lose it’s intensity when I realize it’s not really mine.
Acceptance begins to arise as the personal “me” fades away in the silence of sitting still.
All the hopes and dreams, the desires, the needs, the wounds, the memories, the problems - all these things seemed so important because I thought they were “me,” I thought they were “mine,” I thought “I” had control over them.
~~~
A subtle smile emerges
The fear begins to slowly dissolve into the silence
