We're All Mad Here

Reflecting on the the Insanity of the Seeker

Art by John Tenniel

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.” - Lewis Carroll

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Seeing the Insanity

It’s a very sobering experience to recognize my own insanity: all of the neurotic habits and behaviors, the continual judgmental thoughts about myself and others, the fixations, the obsessions, the constant projections, the delusional self-righteous beliefs. It’s like waking up from a delirium to see things clearly; it’s a bit shocking and disorienting and can be quite humiliating. Unfortunately/fortunately it seems I have to keep reaching these immensely miserable rock-bottom states to see again and again the insanity of the separate-self/ego/personal-identity/seeker belief pattern.

The inner-seeker is never satisfied. It is constantly looking to control reality, continually projecting meaning, imagining ways to perpetuate its sense of separateness, uniqueness, individual power. It believes with such conviction that it knows best. It creates fictional worlds and realities and plays out countless scenarios in these mental dream-scapes. It only lives in the world of thought and desperately needs attention in order to survive, plotting endless ways to be acknowledged and affirmed. Without attention, it ceases to exist.

As is often stated in addiction recovery programs, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” When seen clearly, the whole pattern of the inner-seeker is realized to be completely absurd and surreal, it is constantly doing the same thing over and over: imagining, projecting, believing in mental images. But I’m often so identified with it that I don’t even see it happening.

At the same time, this whole situation is incredibly understandable, we live in a society that is constantly perpetuating the dream-state of the seeker. Most everyone accepts as common knowledge that “life is separate, divided, dual and that a personal ‘me’ exists in the body that has autonomy and control.” We’re all living at the Mad Hatter’s tea party. It all seems incredibly real, undeniably true, normal. Until the dream starts to get shaken up by Grace.

Redeemed by Grace

Art by Thomas Cole

It is only by a mysterious act of Grace that in these moments of desperation that I begin to see the insanity of the inner-seeker patterns. The pain, discomfort, misery, disillusionment, loneliness, confusion, frustration, anger, fear and terror are all acts of Grace, a way of pointing out that the source of suffering is the identification with the mind created separate-self, the seeker identity. Without suffering, the seeker’s dream typically continues uninhibited.

Grace reveals that the personal identity has never really been in control of anything, that it’s all just been one big dream/nightmare. All of the desperation to be “good enough,” to matter, to be loved, to have a purpose, to be accepted by others, to feel whole were all a symptom of the dream-self, the imagined “me.”

In the moments where I become aware of the seeker, where I notice that I’ve been identified with the thought-dream realm, I begin to experience sanity. When not absorbed in this dream realm, there is peace, stillness, open heartedness. There is a recognition that the whole “me” story isn’t real, just a temporary thought. It is seen that the “me” doesn’t become aware, rather the light of the awareness dispels the shadow of the seeker-identity. Awareness is simply revealing itself to itself.

Abiding in the Awareness

What perceives this insanity of the seeker? What is aware of the chaos of the mind? What knows the identification with thought? Is this awareness a seeker? Has this awareness ever not been here? Is there a someone who can make awareness appear or disappear? Is there a “me” that can get closer to or further away from awareness?

What existed prior to and remains after the insanity of the seeker subsides?

The Awareness that has always been is where sanity is found.

One of the first posts I wrote here on substack was reflecting this same topic and yet the process still continues of discovering the sanity of our inherent Awareness. May I remember this truth and abide in it, even throughout all the moments of chaos that may arise.