Who is Envious?
Examining the Imagined "Me" Who is "Lacking"
Sometimes I get incredibly envious.
I think to myself, “They look so perfect, how come they get to have such physical beauty and I don’t? They have so much success in their endeavors, why don’t I? They have such great material wealth, why don’t I? They have such wonderful friendships, why don’t I? They have a loving fulfilling relationship, why don’t I? They seem so free in the choices they make, why am I riddled with neurotic anxiety? They have such immense confidence in how they interact with people, why don’t I? They are so charismatic, humorous and likable, why am I not like that? They have wisdom, inspiration and willpower, why don’t I?”
The comparison and envy makes me angry, frustrated, confused. I feel less than the other, I feel lacking, I feel like I am missing out on experiencing the wonders of this life. I feel cheated or disadvantaged, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I’m a victim of some mysterious force that is holding me back in life and I don’t know how to overcome it.
Sitting with this uncomfortable predicament, a question arises, “who is this ‘I’ that is constantly imagined to be lacking?”
Taking a moment to look, I’m taken aback noticing that I can’t find one. “Surely there must be a ‘me’ here in this body?” I think to myself. I look again but can’t find one. I laugh. I’m stunned. I sit still silently observing the absence of a “me.”
“But I’m constantly referencing a ‘me,’ how could that be!? There must be a separate ‘me’ here in this body that doesn’t have all the wonderful things that the separate ‘other’ does have!” the mind ponders.
More looking for this “me” is met with laughter. I look and look and look and can’t find one! “It seemed so real,” I think to myself. “So much immense importance given to this ‘me’ that can’t even be found right now! What a joke! But surely there must be one here.”
The more I look, the quieter my mind becomes. There is only stunned silence; bewilderment at the absence of a person not found.
In this stillness of not finding a separate “me,” what happens to the envy and comparison? It’s gone. There is just the peace of no one here.
I love the honesty of this introspection. It ends perfectly with compassion, which is something we easily forget when it comes to ourselves. Congratulations on your bravery.
This is a really honest and interesting inquiry. The way you turn toward the question of who is actually experiencing the envy, rather than trying to resolve it directly, offers a very different kind of perspective. Thank you for sharing this.