The Presence that Perceives Conditioning
Processing My "Fawn Response"
Today I’m reflecting on my “fawning” social conditioning:
“I have to be nice. I have to be friendly. I have to be polite. I have to put on a smile. I am responsible for making sure the other person doesn’t get angry. I need to appease them. I need to apologize. I need to hide my feelings. I need to focus on their wellbeing. I need to make myself small and unthreatening.”
As a result of childhood experiences, I notice these layers of subtle beliefs that say, “I am not allowed to have any needs of my own, my feelings don’t matter, my voice isn’t valid, the other person is the priority, I just need to be quiet and submit.”
Becoming conscious of these beliefs sometimes creates intense rage and anger within me, sometimes it creates dissociation, other times resignation, depression, anxiety, despair, frustration, confusion.
It’s so disorienting because the conditioning seems so undeniably true. It’s been believed for so many years. It seems like absolute reality. To start to open up to the possibility that these beliefs and conditioning are not true sometimes feels completely overwhelming. “Has my whole life been a lie?” I disheartendly ponder.
Sitting with the discomfort of this predicament, there is a recognition that the seeker is in fact powerless. The “me” that wants to have everything resolved, the “me” that wants to be empowered and feel in control, the “me” that feels hopeless about never being able to heal this trauma-conditioning, will never find it’s wholeness in the future. The little “me” is looking at time, experience and stories to find its wholeness. But wholeness is not found in time.
Wholeness is what perceives this situation. Wholeness is what sees the painful emotions, memories and behavior patterns.
And somehow noticing this brings tears of grief and relief. I thought what I am is a victim. I thought I am stuck in conditioning. I thought I am broken. I thought I am alone, separate, unlovable, worthless, lacking in redemption. But these are in fact just stories, incredibly painful dreams.
“I” is awareness, presence, being; it is not a personal identity. Personal identity comes and goes. Painful experiences come and go. Feelings come and go. Conditioning and trauma come and go. Healing experiences come and go.
Presence is what remains, presence is unconditional love. Presence is who we truly are.
I've been doing a lot of work on this lately personally - and what I can say from my experience is that opposing the conditioning through action is disorienting as well. It triggers negative emotions that, though I realize aren't "mine", are difficult to process. And I notice sometimes I want to get some kind of external validation for not fawning, for being more of my true self, and very often that doesn't happen - which can leave me wondering what the point is of doing all this work, when it just makes my relationships even more complicated, when it creates incongruence.
This is deeply felt and beautifully named. The shift from identification to presence reads like a soft but profound exhale. Thank you for the reminder of what remains.